It's 4am. Why the hell am I awake?

It’s 4am. Why the hell am I awake?

I thought the same thing at 3:24am when my eyes opened up and my daughter was in bed beside me. I faintly remember her crying earlier in the evening, but my husband took over because he knew I’d had enough. Sitting on the couch before bed, nearly in tears with the frustrations of a toddler that just won’t go to sleep, he handled bedtime for the second night in a row. My newly three year old is adjusting to a life without her pacifier, and she’s struggling hard. So we’re struggling hard. My friend recently asked me if it “gets easier” when she told me about her challenges with her one and a half year old, and I said, no. It just gets different, hard. One minute a random “I love you Mommy” with a big bear hug and the next the sound of whining that makes the hair on your neck stand up. That’s life with a toddler.

I hesitate writing down any of this because you may be reading this right now, desperately wishing you were pregnant. Trying everything you can in order to have a baby of your own and this jackass (me) is complaining. You may have lost a child or have one that is sick and you’re rolling your eyes wishing that your child was as healthy as mine. I get that. It’s why I usually never negatively post or comment about my own. Because I feel for you, and I know that I’m Blessed. Beyond words.

But if I pretended that it was always easy with my photos of her dancing on the beach with huge grins on her face each day, I would always be showing you my highlight reel not my 100% true life. My husband returns to late nights and long hours later this week, and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel when this happens, because when it does, she is exponentially easier to put to bed. I think she knows she’s going to see him less so she’s milking every last second of Daddy time that she can get. I cannot blame her there. She and Daddy are bff.

So it’s 4am. Why the hell am I awake? It’s because prep is here, and my empty stomach woke me up today. At less than 11 weeks out from my first show this fall, I am still eating a decent amount of food, but yesterday was a particularly tough workout day, and my body reminded me of that this morning. It’s worth it though. Anything worth having won’t come easy, and this season I have big goals. With two shows scheduled for October and high hopes of a top 5 placement in my first (last time I competed in the NPC I got 6th place in open and 2nd place in Masters over 35), there will be many more early mornings and empty stomachs. So I’ll look on the bright side of today; I got a few extra hours to myself. Many women can relate that these are cherished hours of solitude. I’m off to an early morning spin class. Because no matter how challenging it can be with a toddler, I am better equipped to care for her, if I first care for myself. If you are a struggling Mom, know that I am here with you. Some days are hard. Hopefully there are more bear hugs in store for us today.